Ranking Every Mad Men Character by How Good I Think They'd be at Basketball

At Sterling Cooper they don't just break ankles, they run them over with a lawnmower

We’ve hit 100 subscribers on this humble newsletter so it’s time I start asking the real questions.

Which Mad Men characters would make the best hoopers?

Is Ted Chaough breaking ankles?

What’s Pete Campbell like in the paint?

Does Ida Blakenship hit ‘em with a crossfade to die for?

Here is my complete ranking of which Mad Men characters would be the best at basketball, going from real hoopers to busted. There are a lot of names here but when I say “every character” I’m sorry that doesn’t include Joan’s roommate from Season 1. These are the big players and memorable benchwarmers. Analysis and breakdown after the list:

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The 90s Chicago Bulls of White Alcoholics in the 1960s:
- Henry Francis
- Stan Rizzo
- Bob Benson

Real Ballers:
- Meredith
- Jim Cutler
- Joyce Ramsey
- Ken Cosgrove

Good on the court:
- Anna Draper
- Glen Bishop
- Rachel Menken
- Gene Hofstadt
- Dawn Chambers
- Suzanne Farrell
- Don Draper
- Trudy Campbell
- Carla
- Michael Ginsberg
- Greg Harris
- Jane Sterling
- Marie Calvet

MID:
- Pete Campbell
- Duck Phillips
- Joan
- Abe Drexler
- Dr. Faye Miller
- Jimmy and Bobbie Barrett
- Peggy Olson
- Ted Chaough
- Bobby Draper
- Paul Kinsey
- Sally

Who invited my man blud?:
- Conrad Hilton
- Margaret Sterling
- Roger
- Freddy Rumsen
- Salvatore
- Megan
- Joey Baird
- Mona Sterling
- Betty
- Midge

What happened to the game I love?:
- Lane Pryce
- Harry Crane
- Father John Gill
- Lou Avery
- Lee Garner, Jr.
- Slyvia Rosen
- Bert Cooper
- Ida Blakenship

Here’s the breakdown:

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The 90s Chicago Bulls of White Alcoholics in the 1960s:
- Henry Francis
- Stan Rizzo
- Bob Benson

Henry Francis is cold and calculating. That man is dreaming up buckets from the other side of the court. He knows what he wants and his trash talk will be DEVASTATING because he won’t even see it as trash talk - just the solid truth.

Betty married a baller.

We saw that Stan Rizzo can move quickly and jump like no one else in the office. He has power, knows how to work with a team, and can play off his opponent’s weaknesses. The Charles Barkley of the advertising world, he will destroy the hoop if you set him up with a rebound.

Like the best NBA players, he also has great fashion sense.

(© AMC)